And now, for the numbers that tell our at home viewers
who is going to be the lucky winner of this weeks Bonanza 6-51 jack-pot,
of 4,3 million dollars.
Christina, push the button and let the final ball exit the drum.
And the winning numbers are...
Gosh, I can hardly stand it. The winning numbers are...
11... 13... 27... 4... 21... 29...
...to the left, and right... 2... 3... 4... 5...
Hello?
Heather?
Ryan, you're awake. How come you're still here?
I slept in. What's your brother doing here? What's in the boxes?
I'm moving you out.
You're moving me out? This is our apartment.
God.
My therapeutic life coach helped me to practice this.
Ryan, you're not motivated to awaken the warrior within.
I have aspirations beyond futons and IKEA Billy bookcases.
- I'm going places, thank you. - I'll take you places.
Places? A girl doesn't want to spend sunday at an auto market buying entry level sedans.
Heather do you really need your brother, the science experiment here,
to help you out? What's gonna happen? I mean, am I nuts or something?
That might actually be interesting, Ryan.
Rory's helping me pack up your stuff.
Art supplies are in there.
I only ate 11 grams of fat last week.
Bet you can't say the same thing.
Ryan, we can talk about this later in the week, OK? But it's not gonna work out, so just let it go.
Do you mind if I eat these bananas on the counter, dude?
Yeah, sure. They're this new high fat bananas from Ecuador.
Ryan, we're leaving.
I wanted to remind you...
that watching TV in the morning,
is one of the first steps in a downward spiral failure that is becoming your life.
Asshole.
Ryan, we were doing a server maintenance and we discovered
some files you've written.
- You read my personal files? - Let me begin my poetry slam.
"Last night I jumped off Lions Gate Bridge and I drowned.
"But in the morning I came back to life and I crawled onto the shore, and back to the office,
"and started my job again and again and again..."
Next verse.
Oh, goody.
"Last night I shot myself in the head. But in the morning I came back to life and I put myself together,
"and went back to the office to work in my cubicle. Again and again and again."
You went into the system and read my poetry? Even I don't read it.
Company property, Ryan.
Let me guess.
- You don't like it here. - No, Linda, no. It's not here I don't like.
It's more what we do.
And what is it we do then, Ryan?
Basically, we push electrons around with a stick.
Well,...
basically, Ryan, we'd like to suspend you.
And, if you'd like, we could pay for some counseling. And if they say it's okie-dokie...
then you can come back.
Wait.
Counseling? "They"?
You're serious?
Hello?
Come home... now!
- Mom, why? What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong, it's just that...
We've just won the lottery.
4,3 million dollars, lump sum, tax free.
God damn it! I know I left it somewhere!
- Wait, why is dad shouting? - He's lost the ticket.
- Then how do we know we've won? - Because...
Ryan, just come home right now. Your brother's already on his way.
Oh, hey.
Feel free to pillage what you will. I won't be needing any of it anymore.
4,3 million dollars.
Hey.
Oh, hi, dear.
Hi, mom.
Dad... Dad!
Just explain to me the sequence of events.
4,3 million dollars!
I did what I always do. I wrote the numbers down for easy reference,
then I hid the ticket away for safe keeping.
Then what?
At about 10 this morning I was sitting right here reading the numbers on the paper...
Whoa, whoa, whoa... What were you doing here at 10 a.m.?
I got fired last week.
You got fired?
- Why didn't you phone me? - Well...
I hated that goddamn job.
Good riddance.
Where is the bloody ticket!? Ryan, help us look for it, please.
Some big help you're being here, Ryan.
Hey, Kevin, I need this too. I'm thinking.
Stop being a poet at a picnic. Get off your butt and do your thinking that way.
Mr. Wonka?
I'd like a tour of your chocolate factory.
Somebody call the lottery.
- What do you mean, they're not the winning numbers? - It happens sometimes.
You're sure you have the right date?
I am.
OK, Ryan, read those numbers back to me.
3, 8, 12, 13, 43, 50 and the bonus number is 27.
It's not the winning ticket.
Sorry, Ryan.
- What's this? - Oh, crap.
What do you mean "oh, crap"?
Those are my ticket numbers.
I wrote these down last night when I was watching the draw...
and then when I was reading the paper this morning...
I guess I got confused.
Hello?
Ryan?
It was a mistake here, Alan.
I'm really sorry. Is everybody there OK?
Yeah, I think so.
I can't believe this day, man. I got fired, I got dumped
and... and now this.
You lost your job?
What did you do?
- I was a technical writer. - Oh, you're a writer? No kidding?
Oh, not really. I...
- How old are you? - 29.
Do you have any substance abuse problems?
What are you talking about? No.
Then we have an opening right here. Why don't you apply with us?
- The address is right on the ticket. - So it is.
Your job interview is 10 a.m. thursday morning.
Be early.
Sorry, dad.
All aliens to the set, please. All aliens to the set
- You're insane. - It was an honest mistake. Kevin...
- Mom, mom you need glasses - Well maybe I do need glasses.
My dad says you're a loser.
He may be right.
I don't think you're a loser.
Thank you.
What do you want to be when you grow up, Wendy?
A trophy wife.
Hey, bro.
I hear Heather gave you the boot.
You know about that? That happened this morning.
Rory's a steroid dealer at my gym. He told me last week
- you were headed for the dump ship. - And you didn't call me?
- Your love life isn't my business. - I am a loser.
Man, stop worrying. Your twenties suck. Worst period of your life.
You're lonely...
You feel like your head's being blowtorched from the inside.
And we don't even know what it is because we were never even, like, taught the words to describe it.
So you feel like an idiot. And a loser.
- Yeah. - And...
because everybody else is so young and beautiful you think they're having a great time.
But the fact of the matter is, dude,
they are just as lonely and scared and fucked up as you are.
It's not just that, Spike, It's like...
It's like, one day you finally have a decent set of friends
and then suddenly they all get exec jobs, get married, have kids and vanish,
and your life is like that old science-fiction movie
Chalton Heston. No people...
- "The Omega Man". - Yeah. It's like everyone's moved on
and left you behind totally alone in this big, empty city.
Well...
you might have a new job tomorrow. Maybe you'll catch up to them.
Man, how depressing is that.
Seeing your life inside a box.
What is your problem? I scored this great new place for you. You'll love it.
Every unit is optic fiber wired, with soaker tubs,
and a commune entertainment center with billiards and squash...
See? I just aim money at problems and they go away.
You have the whole 25th floor to yourself.
Actually, you have the whole building to yourself. It's a see-through.
- A see-through? - Yeah. Just like all the other buildings down here.
They're owned by Hong Kongers, but they're never coming here.
Since the merger with China went just great they bailed out of this things and drose.
Most of the apartments here don't have furniture or even light bulbs.
It's a resale nightmare for me.
Oh, by the way, you sort of have to be the caretaker of the building, too.
But, that's easy, cause, you know,
- nobody lives here. - Right.
Our Nasty Condo Leaks sells at water damage and musky odors.
Hardigan's provides free analysis and a lifetime guarantee. You can have a dry condo.
Now for your news on the hour, brought to you by...
...with further involvement in the Quebec situation.
And locally, a large whale has beached itself below the Briar Street Bridge on Sunset beach.
You'll be seeing marine biologist on the scene are working out plans to move the carcass.
Police say an estimated 6 tons of the corpse would decompose naturally. And in other news..
Oh, sorry. Did I ruin your picture?
No, it's OK. It's a digital camera. I can take, like, a thousand pictures with this thing.
Actually, do you mind if I take a picture with you and the whale?
- OK. Yeah, OK. - Yeah? OK.
- You hear about it on the radio? - Yeah.
I never seen one before.
Here.
You look great.
Look at all these people.
What do you think they're all here for?
Same thing as us, I guess.
And what's that?
I think people wanna see something that proves life is bigger than we
give it credit for. You know,
that there's more to the everyday world than just
photocopiers, plug-in air fresheners and bulk grocery shopping.
That something huge can just happen out of the blue.
What do you think happened to him?
He looks kinda sad. Like he was just a part of a family,
and, sort of, fell away.
God, I...
I hope it wasn't pollution.
I mean, the ocean here is supposed to be clean.
Are you a photographer?
No, it's...
I just like to take pictures. Are you?
No, I'm a ...
set dresser for the movies they shoot here in Vancouver.
Cable access and movies of the week.
My specialty is disguising Vancouver so it looks like an American city.
Right.
- Ming! - Boyfriend alert.
It's a groovy car. What does he do? Is he, like, an astronaut?
No.
Brice designs golf courses.
I never thought of someone actually designing a golf course.
I guess someone has to.
What's your name?
Ryan.
Ming.
- Bye. - Bye.
Oh, Jesus!
Hi!
I'm...
I'm Ryan. I'm here to see Alan. I'm the writer
Alan?
Noam Chomsky is here.
You're hired.
Really?
Oh, yes, Ryan.
Just like that.
You got good Feng Shui.
I thought only buildings have Feng Shui.
Ryan, have you ever met anyone who actually had any idea what Feng Shui really is?
Not really.
And you're the only one who showed up for the job.
Now...
"Winner's magazine" is available for free at the checkout counters
of most supermarkets. And it provides the public with a coveted peak
into the lives of the lucky few.
- Wow. Somebody actually writes these things? - Now, your new job has two parts.
Number one is interviewing the people who just won.
Now, that's gonna be kind of annoying for you because they just won...
and, well, you didn't.
- Oh, you're a photographer? - Well, no, no.
That's great. Because, you know what? People love to see a winner.
Now, the second part of your job, and you're gonna have to sign up for Mandarin language classes.
Well, sometimes you're gonna be manning the winners line. You're gonna get a lot of Mandarin speaking calls.
- Hey, Mandarin - the language of tomorrow. - Those numbers are correct, sir.
You just won 25 000 dollars.
25 000 dollars. That's right, sir.
Now, legally, part of the deal with winning is, you gotta go public.
Have your name, photograph published.
Why is that?
Well, if we didn't, we could jut make up names of winners and never actually give out any prizes.
- Whoa. - Yes, Ryan, whoa.
You see, for a lot of people, the dream of winning
is the only thing that gets them through the week.
These are people that buy their tickets as soon as the last draw is over,
just to keep their dream alive a little bit longer.
So...
How does it feel to win?
You just can't understand how good it feels.
No, I guess not.
Excuse me.
Yesterday, life was so average and boring...
and now, today, is like a mystical experience.
It's like...
life is somehow better. More enriched.
But not by the money. It just feels like,
like we were chosen.
We feel like real winners.
All right, say cheese.
Cheese!
Hey, Alan?
Hey, kid, I'm fasting this week. Do you wanna join me?
All the lemons and cayenne pepper you can eat .
- Sure. Can I show you something first? - Sure.
- I made this pie-chart, OK? - You drew up this pie-chart?
- Yes. - Nobody draws a pie-chart.
I've never seen a single person make an actual pie-chart, and I mean ever.
- Ever? - Yeah.
OK. So, most people peg the selection of their lottery numbers to family birthdays.
And that means that a disproportionate bulk of the numbers chosen are from 1 to 31.
Which means that the numbers 32 to 51, they're just not chosen nearly as much.
There's no data available on that, but I will concede your point.
I don't need data 'cause I went a step further.
See? When the winning numbers are on the high side, when they're higher than 31, the winner wins all by himself
and doesn't have to share. When the winning numbers are on the low side
winners end up having to share with other winners, just 'cause those number, they get used way more often.
- Right. - Right?
Good.
Then my theory is proven.
And which theory is that?
That the real hardcore lottery ticket players are the ones that choose on the high side.
They want to win, and they want it all to themselves. They don't want to share it with all the
birthday people.
Excuse me while I wipe a manly tear from my cheek.
Ryan...
you do me proud.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
"Birthday people". That is just so great.
- Hello, Dad. - Hello, Ryan.
What's with the boxes?
How would you like to make 10 000 a month in your spare time
selling quality products that everybody needs?
- Oh, dear God, you're in an aloe products pyramid scam. - No, no this isn't a scam, son.
These are good products that really work. Here.
Let me rub some on your elbows. It's a little dry and flaky there.
- Oh, my God. I'm hallucinating. - Honey, look at Ryan's scalp.
If that's not seborrhea then I am not gonna be salesman of the month.
Dad, please don't look at my scalp. I look at it enough as it is.
Ryan, if you get in on the ground floor there's no telling what you can achieve or how much you can make.
Dad, I can't sell aloe products, OK? Besides' I have a real job now.
- Did I tell you that? - I mean, this isn't real work?
Oh, it's not that. It's... It's just that...
Ryan? Can you come and help me in the kitchen, please?
Sure.
Ryan, your father is driving me bonkers being at home all the time.
A man his age shouldn't have free time. It only leads to tears.
He's been out of work for, what, 10 minutes, mom?
That's not the point.
He's already mooning and following me around like I'm supposed to be his camp counselor or something.
He's turned into a cocker spaniel.
And I told him flat out. I said: "I'm not gonna make you lunches and you cannot come shopping with me".
- You have to make some ground rules. - Ryan, have you checked the pressure in your tires lately?
- They look awfully low. - Dad, I'm 29.
You don't have to check the pressure in my tires.
Well, excuse me for being such a useless sack of shit.
Dad, that's not what I meant.
Good. Very good, very good.
That is enough of this week's class.
Do your homework.
I see you this time next week for another one of career boosting Mandarin.
The language of tomorrow.
Hey, whale boy!
- Hey! - Hi!
- Ryan, right? - Yeah.
- Still taking pictures? - Yes.
Did I see your boyfriend in class?
Mandarin?
Yeah. He's taking it to help with his business.
And I brought granny here 'cause I thought she might be impressed.
Granny Chou, meet Ryan.
Hello.
- Why'd she just swite me for? - Well, 'cause you're wearing a jersey with 44 on it.
You might as well wear a shirt that says death - death.
So, what should I wear, then?
How about a shirt with 88 on it? "Prosperity - prosperity".
Well. my 88 shirt is out at the cleaners. Ming, I'm trying here, but your granny is...
Who are you?
- Sorry, I'm... Ryan - This is Ryan.
He was at the whale.
Actually, for the first time ever, I'm having a housewarming, just as kind of a...
a celebration of my new good fortune.
- Thanks, but no... - Thanks, Ryan. We'll be there
What was that for?
Who are all these people?
Well, you said invite everybody.
Excuse me.
Hey, who's the girl in the photo?
Ah, it's just some girl I met and thought she was really beautiful. Kind of special.
- But she has a boyfriend. - Yes.
How'd you know that?
Because, he's standing right next to her at the door.
A delightful housewarming, dear, but the building looks kind of minimally... bleak.
Hi!
- You know, she's from that show. - What show?
You know... That show about all those kids who go to high school.
That could be practically any show.
She's in something.
It'll come to me.
- I need a drink. Anything? - No, thanks.
- Nice piece of real estate you got here. - It is. Thanks.
It's not mine. I'm just kind of, like, the supper for the building.
Ah, so...
you're actually enjoying the benefits of another man's property.
Come again?
Let's step over here for a minute.
So, tell me...
Ricky?
- Ryan. - Ryan.
Tell me, Ryan...
What do you think of the view?
I think it's beautiful.
- You don't think it's beautiful? - No, Ryan, I don't think it's beautiful.
All right.
What do you think, then?
Well...
I look out at each of those apartments out there...
and each one of those apartments contains people who have something I want.
Or people who want something from me.
And each one of them will do whatever they can to take from me what they want.
Me?
I'll do whatever I can to cut them of at the pass.
Preemptive Darwinism.
All right.
What about the mountains?
Well, that's where people go run and hide when they find out I'm after their butt.
You really believe that crap?
That's not crap Ryan.
It's what I believe. It's what Ming believes too.
I know you don't think so, but it is.
I mean, she's into all those artsy "discover yourself" lies,
but that's all crap.
She sticks with me 'cause she knows that, in the end, I'm right.
What are you boys up to?
Ah, we're just enjoying the view.
Yeah.
Oh, God...
Doing your macho shtick again, aren't you?
Sorry Ryan.
I hear Spike's making tons of money in the milk bracket.
If the capitalist spirit lives longer, then you might strike the grounds, huh?
All right.
Nice condo.
Thank you.
It's actually not mine. My brother...
Hey! How are you?
Who would've guessed it Spike? You just...
You've finally joined the middle class.
Middle class?
Come on.
You look at me and you think minivans, wife swapping and sheep dogs?
- I'm just doing what I gotta do. - No, Spike.
Being middle class, it's… it's... it's… it's almost a compliment.
I think it's a vanishing breed, you know?
Truly, it's entrepreneurial of you.
Entrepreneurial... Jesus Christ.
I think this expansion is amazing.
Spike, I'm sorry, you created a business that you actually enjoy.
You've awaken the conquerer within, you tore down the wall of fear.
- Whatever. - I feel like...
You're one of the few together people I know.
Dude, dude, stop talking.
This is the real expansion.
I am now one of Vancouver's biggest franchises and marijuana grow-ops.
So, there? You still think I'm middle class?
Dude, the dairy business camouflages my power bills.
This moo? Loses money.
Why didn’t you tell me this before?
'Cause, dude, this is major.
It's on the need to know basis, and, now, it seemed you needed to know.
Well, I have to say, it's certanly far more in keeping with your character profile.
Thank you.
I've got franchises in 25 basements all across the city.
This plant here...
female monster plants.
One plant gives 4 pounds,
sells about for 10 grand, 20 plants - 200 K.
Best smoke in North America, my friend.
Tech stocks may have gotten wiped out, but bud is forever.
Well, you are indeed the master of your own universe.
Here's that car-pool story. I've left the pictures with layout.
That's great.
This is just great. You know, at this rate,
you're gonna be junior editor in no time at all.
Two years after that you get sir Jender's job, another ten years
you'll be a senior editor. And then...
you're gonna be nipping at this guy's heels.
Honestly it has taken me 20 years to get where I am today.
I think you can do it in 15.
You don't look so good.
Yeah.
Come on, Ming, we gotta jive. I've got clients breathing down my neck.
So, you're a golf course designer?
How did my job ever come up, huh?
Don't be so paranoid. He saw your corvette at the beach.
- He asked if you're an astronaut. - Yeah, that's right, wise guy, I'm an astronaut.
- What do you do that's so special, huh? - Nothing. I work at the provincial lottery bureau.
What do you do there?
Let's go, Brice.
I interview people for "Winners magazine".
It' kind of a crap job.
Well, it kinda sounds interesting.
Doesn’t beat space travel.
You should come golfing with me sometimes.
Me?
No, I... I've never golfed before, ever.
Yeah, Ryan's not a golfer.
Won't make any difference.
...see if she likes it first, and then we can decide. All right?
- Hello, Ryan. - Ryan... hi.
What the fuck...?
Don't be such a prig about it.
Prig? Dad...
You have a grow operation in your basement. You could go to jail.
You're being so melodramatic. Besides, we are growing some of the finest bud in the Pacific Northwest.
Bud?
- Well, what do you call it? - I don't call it anything, dad.
Ryan...
this is Whinonna. She's our mother-plant.
All these plants are clones made from Whinonna's leaves.
We humans have blood, Whinonna has THC. She's a real champion.
My parents have a grow-op in their basement.
- Why do you keep saying that? - Beca... Does Kevin know?
No, he doesn’t. And nobody likes a narc, dear.
I'm not gonna narc on you. Did Spike set you up?
Yeah, aha. Sure as business point of growing, each of Whinonna's clones are now roughly 10 000 a piece.
- Screw the aloe products. - And that's not the street price, dear. That's the bulk price.
- Oh, yeah, the bulk price. OK. - Spike takes 50% of the gross,
we get the other half. Do the math, son.
He provides us with all the equipment and supplies, and in a couple of weeks, he comes and makes his call.
- He's what?! - Ryan... Ryan...
Come and look at the buds on this one. Her name is Angelina.
Your dad broke the 28.5% THC benchmark this week.
That is record.
He's like the Michelangelo of dope.
Spike, Spike... These are... They're my parents, OK?
They're my parents.
Why do you keep saying that? Look...
he's making way more then he did at that life sucking downtown job,
and he's happy.
It sure beats 25 years of doing the same mundane crap, day in and day out
for insulting pay, and, maybe, the occasional lateral promotion.
Right?
So, I'm not sure why I called.
You called because you sensed an opportunity.
- I told you I wasn't much of a golfer. - Yeah, don't be too hard on yourself.
A better player might stay on the green a bit more than you do, but the fact is
this place wasn't really designed with golfing in mind.
Yeah, you kind of lost me on that last one.
Well, let's just say you have a Consortium of Japanese entrepreneurs.
- Yakuza... Mafia? - And let's say that these entrepreneurs have...
a whole bunch of money that isn't as clean as it could be. So they open up a golf course
which, on paper, rakes in a ton of cash, but nobody ever plays here.
- It's too hard on the old handicap. - God...
- does anyone do anything real these days? - What do you mean?
It's just, everyone's in on a scam, or creating something nobody really needs
to sell to people who are too stupid to care or notice.
What ever happened to just being real? Why aren't we content
to just be middle class?
Middle class?
It's cute, but unworkable. Unless
you're using middle class pictures to sell things to people who still think there's a middle class.
But, it's all just pictures.
I mean, the old suburbs we grew up in...
Sure, the kids were playing road hokey, and, sure, mom had 4 food groups on the table every night,
but the parents were always fighting, and having tea parties,
and the kids all ended up hooked up on drugs and addicted to PlayStation,
and nobody ever talked about anything real.
I mean, I don't miss it, man. No way.
And now they're not sure if it's 4 food groups or 3. It makes you think.
Tell me, Ryan,
when somebody wins the lottery, what do they do?
Well...
if it's an amount over 50 dollars they have to call us, and then they have to come in .
So you find out right away who won and who lost?
Yeah, sure.
I have a proposal to make to you.
I'm listening.
Don't sound so worried Ryan. Nobody's gonna get swindled.
You just let my know who the winning ticket holders are, I'll buy the tickets off them
with a 10% mark up, and, well, you'll make yourself a hefty finders fee. Just think it over.
It's a win-win-win situation, Ryan.
It's just the most comfortable seating room I have in here.
It sat with the new curtains beautifully.
Of course, there was a time we would never have considered doing such a crazy thing.
I mean the old couch wasn't even 5 years old.
I guess what I'm saying, dear, is: who knew that being this happy could be so easy?
Ryan, man, thanks for taking over the win line.
This job is truly the work of the devil.
Yeah, no problem.
It's gonna be nice being back in the field again. Like old times.
Good God, interviewing winners? Are you a masochist?
Actually, Ryan, according to my therapist, I am a masochist.
But I'm almost ready to break through the wall.
I can upgrade from being a masochist to being a doormat.
Oh, there's herbal tea packets over there if you want.
Thanks.
?????
Hello? BC lottery bureau. This is the win line.
Congratulations.
4 numbers, OK.
So, you have won...
BC lottery bureau, win line.
Well, congratulations.
How many numbers?
5 numbers. OK.
BC lottery bureau, win line.
OK, 5 numbers? Yeah.
Well, congratulations to you. Could you do me a favor and just tell me your address?
Congratulations. How many numbers?. BC lottery bureau, win line.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I can't really hear you very well. Can you...
Yes.
I've got all the numbers!
You’ve won the Pick six?
With the bonus number?
Well, congratulation, that's a really big win. What is your name?
Missus Horvat.
I've gotta talk to you.
OK.
Just give me 5 minutes.
Again, I just want to say congratulations to you.
Where might you be phoning from?
Brice? Oh, God.
OK, here we go.
You got a pen?
What's up?
I'm...
planning the...
the office cruise.
- Wanna help? - Are you crazy?
Summer office cruises are a disaster, Alan.
Really? Why is that?
Because, everyone gets skunk drunk in the first 15 minutes,
so, for the first half hour everybody's deluded into thinking that they're actually gonna have fun.
But then they realize that the boat's supposed to go to Bowen Island...
but they're not even out of English Bay yet, and that they're trapped...
In a twilight-zone-like escape-free hell world.
An then the booze and the waves make them feel pukey and the food comes out,
and the food's always bacon wrapped scallops in a film of oil and grease and chicken wings
even the guy bars wouldn't use. Plus, there's that scary Bunsen burner smell
of the chemicals that heat the chafing trays.
And then the bad music starts. And the music's always bad, Alan.
And it's too loud, and everybody just starts dancing and puking over the edge
and the trip's not even a quarter over yet. And then my favorite part.
The older men turn into perverts and the groping begins, and everyone's just sick and miserable
and jealous of all the people they see on shore who are lucky enough to not be on a cruise.
And by the time they actually do reach shore again they're sick, hung over, they're numb from boredom
and are most likely doomed to get a monster case of food poisoning at 4 a.m.
which will make them wish they were dead.
So, will you help me?
BC lottery bureau, win line.
- Hello? - Hello there.
Listen, I just won a shitload of cash.
I would like it put into a Tweetey bird duffel bag and delivered to my condo by a quartet of strippers.
- Jesus, Brice, don't call me here. - Why not?
- Did it work out? - Yes, of course it worked out.
She sold me the winning ticket, no questions asked.
You see, the thing about people, Ryan,
is that instant money always makes them greedier, so,
in one simple transaction,
a whole lot of questionable cash becomes a whole lot of legitimate lottery winnings.
- OK. - No fuss, no muss.
- You're feeling a little ????? - Yes, I'm a little ???????.
Then relax, Ryan. And, by the way, the official claimant on the Big Prize ticket is a Miss Kiko Hamada,
A plucky young Japanese student, in Canada to learn english.
Can you at least have miss Hamada to come in herself to claim the ticket?
- We need to take a picture of the winner. - Will do.
You know, Ryan, for a guy with an envelope full of 20 grand, you could be having a lot more fun.
So, my suggestion is, go buy yourself a sensible, fuel efficient car, or whatever it is that gives you sense of joy, OK?.
- Brice, I just want... - Gotta go.
Can someone light me a cigarette?
- Hey. - Hi.
Come on in. I was surprised you called.
Yeah. I thought you might want a copy of this.
Wow, thanks.
- I really like that shot. - Yeah
- Actually, I like all your pictures. - Oh, thank you.
You captured something really...
I don't know.
Beautiful?
I was gonna say hopeful.
But, thank you.
I really mean to put something together some day, like a portfolio.
Maybe take a long road trip and take a lot more pictures.
- Do you want something to drink? - Sure. I would love a water, if you have any.
Granny, look who's here.
Hi.
So, I'm bowing right now. Is that the right thing to do?
It's a Japanese thing, but if it feels right, do it.
- So where's Brice? - He's working.
Brice has much more on his plate then just golf courses.
You know, he's probably in some parking lot, stealing cars from new century yuppies.
That's a joke, right?
It's OK. It's OK.
- Granny, it's just junk mail. - OK.
Yeah, granny spends her days waiting for home invaders to smash down the door so she can knife them
or gas them with tear spray.
Even her shit's as tough as nails.
- Wow, thanks for that. - You're welcome for that.
So, are you not filming anything right now?
I have to make Vancouver look like Phoenix..
My hardest assignment ever.
Excuse the mess. I just moved back in here with granny.
Brice doesn't like it, but...
we'll se.
- Are you guys... - I don't know yet.
- What'd she say? - Granny says:
- nice bracelet. More or less. - Thank you.
And it didn't take you long to get the... Mustang, is it?
Actually, Winners... You'd be surprised. The pay is not as bad as you'd think.
Come on, Ryan. Brice told me about his new set up and what you're up to.
- He did? - Don' worry about it.
You know, if anyone understands, it's me.
- Hey, you want to take your new car for a spin? - OK, sure.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Hey, see that forest over there?
That was Oregon in an HBO children special this spring.
And see the general store right above it?
That was Northern California.
We called in the palm tree for that one.
- The palm tree? - Yeah.
It's this 20 foot tall palm tree that spends his whole life being carried about the city
whenever we need to dress something up as below the Oregon border line.
It's been in more TV movies than Jane Seymour.
It should have it's own star on Hollywood Boulevard.
My brother has a family and a nice house and stuff.
He must be doing something right. Now, he's getting into this new...
custom modified, web-delivered life enhancing product.
Penis enlargement spamming.
Remortgaging houses at 0% financing.
Right?
What?
What? Nothing.
What did she say?
What?
She...
said I should dump Brice and marry you.
- God, Ryan, I can hear you blushing. - No, I just...
- Brice does seem like a... I don't know... - What?
Kind of a strange choice for you.
Yeah, well...
Asian women like to find non-Asian boyfriends
because it's a way to escape the grip of our mighty, steal-fisted Chinese fathers.
- No, that's not what I meant. - But, because we're human,
we end up finding non-Asian guys who display domineering Asian-father traits.
But, I don't know.
Maybe enough is enough.
I guess that's why I'm back at granny’s.
I mean I became a rebel
because it was a way of telling dad "no more".
But then the rebel thing stuck, and now I'm over 30
and have a tattoo of a bulldog smoking a stodie on my lower back
and a wardrobe like leftovers from the cast of Rent.
You're over 30?
I accept your compliment.
I think it's time to go.
Yeah it's a made for HBO movie. Pixel 66.
It's about bears with a mutated hanta virus who escape from the research facility
and terrorize a happy seaside hablet.
Don't they all, kind of, just blend into one big movie after a while?
Hey, look!
Bye.
Thanks, Ryan That was the most fun I had...
in a really long time.
Call again sometime.
- BC lottery bureau, this is the winners line. - I think I've won.
- Congratulations. How many...? - I've got six numbers.
- You've got all six numbers? - Yeah, I've got all the numbers.
- And the bonus number too? - Yeah, yeah, I think so.
That's a big win. way to go, man.
- Hello? - Hey, It's me.
- Me who? - Who do you think?
I'm here to pick up my winnings.
This Mustang must be a great ride.
Oh, hi! You're from...
from the party, right?
The party?
Never mind.
I always wondered what it must be like...
Well...
Would you like to go for a drive?
No, I...
OK.
How about my place?
Hi.
Oh, hey, Ryan.
What's that?
Just a SlutCam website.
Marsha...
what are you doing on a...
- slut cam. - ...slut cam?
- Oh, hi, Ryan. - Hi. What are you doing on a bloody slut cam?
Don't be such a prude.
Like you've never handed down internet porn before.
That's not really the point, Marsha. What are you doing on a slut cam?
I get free rent as long as I change my outfits 4 times a day.
Plus a percentage of the advertising revenue, which is for this, of course.
4 times a day?
- Does that include nights too? - Yes, it does.
Have I been on the slut cam, Marsha?
Yes, yes.
And, what's the big deal?
Besides, my service provider says there's been a lot more hits in the bi-curious market because of you.
- They what?! - Ryan...
do you really think I'd get to live in a cool place like this on a dental assistant salary?
What city do you live in?
Are you watching the screen right now?
- Yes, I am. - Good.
Watch this.
I'm out of here, Alan.
Ryan?
Thanks.
Hey.
Hi. That's weird.
Yeah?
I...
thought you skipped town or...
- lost my number. - Yeah, no. I just...
Things have just been really busy.
Yeah, judging by that bruise on your neck, I would say busy in the best way.
You know. Yeah, just...
My life's kind of taken some unexpected turns.
- So, work's been good? - Yeah. It's actually been really good.
It's all a bit bizarro right now.
Winning the lottery's been a real dream come true.
It's been like...
oh, hell, like a ride on the ?????.
My mother-in-law swooped in like a crow
wanting us to pay for the cedar shingle reroofing on her shitbox in ?????.
And my kids discovered they've got all these new friends.
And suddenly, they start using drugs, big-time.
Of course, I had to pay for all their new friends' drugs too.
Then they get kicked out of school.
My daughter moves in with my mother-in-law, finds God and gets pregnant,
while my son gets caught stealing a Miata with two juvenile waste cases.
My wife's filed for divorce. She wants the remains of the money,
but, by now, there isn't too much money left to remain, you know what I mean?
The only good thing to come out of all of this is the Beamer in the driveway.
Gorgeous car. "Mein kleiner leiblich". (my little sweetheart)
People can't handle money they didn't earn, you know. They have meltdowns. Families disintegrate.
And... Thank you.
It's simplistic to say that big sum money invariably ruins the life of a winner
but, you know, it does. They go into debt, they get greedier for more
and, sure, sometimes people manage to not have their lives ruined, but, like,
instead of using the money to take time of and make art,
or contemplate the world, winners kind of...
I don't know. They have acrylic murals of Shania Twain painted on their living room walls
and they buy these dopey cars.
Nice seeing you again, Ryan.
Say hi to Brice for me.
- What do you mean? - Didn't he tell you?
I finally made the break.
So, I checked out Marsha's website man.
She's hooked up with some drummer now. Guy's got a tattoo from his shoulder blades all the way down to his shins.
Sorry dude!
You're lucky, though, to be out of the relationship.
Just think of what would happen when your butt sagged.
It's not that. You know what it is?
It's Ming. Remember her?
I saw her again.
Oh, yeah?
So go for it.
I think I missed my chance with that one.
It's so hard meeting new people as you get older.
Everyone's already paired up. Having kids
You're turning bitter.
What do you mean, turning bitter?
- Lay back, man. It's nothing. - I'm not bitter.
Just relax!
Dude, we are on The Grind.
World's longest vertical meat market.
Check it out.
Earth-muffin tree planters. Strong backs from all that bending over.
3 Heather's from West Bend,
looking for rich software nerds, way out of my league.
God, I love Vancouver.
So, bro?
What did you have to do to get all this money?
What are you talking about?
Ah, the car, the clothes...
I sell the name and address of the winning ticket holder to the Japanese mafia
and they buy it from the winner for it's full worth, plus an additional processing fee.
You're working with Brice Kleinhart, aren't you?
You're like a sleaze magnet or something? How do you always know these people?
OK there, señor Brady, I may know them, but you seem to get involved with them.
I don't care who I sell property to, but I don't invite them home for dinner.
By the way, I sold a few units in your building.
Oh, really? It's about time.
Well, the communists were being mean to some capitalists in the southern province, and, wham,
halfway accross the planet I get my face on the bus patch.
Hey, are mom and dad acting really weird lately?
Weird?
Clear!
Forward!
Freeze! Don't move!
Oh, my.
Whinonna!!!
This is so role reversal-ish my head is spinning.
They didn't have to hold us all night.
The cops were just hassling us.
- We weren't doing any harm to society. - I know.
Why don't they go after the real drug dealers. The scuzbags pushing that China White.
You know, what you did was felony possession.
You can't ever go into the United States again.
You mean no more cross-border shopping trips to the Liz Clairborne factory outlet?
No, they just lie at the border. As if they're gonna question a couple of old farts like us.
And I just bought that accurate digital scale.
Most we're gonna get is a 2 000 dollar fine and a slap on the wrist.
We already saved enough to retire early.
- Hey, Ryan. - Hey.
- What are you doing here? - I...
just wanted to stop by and say hi.
OK. Come on in.
- And, an orange tree - Yes.
- For me? - Actually, no. It's for your granny.
- Oh, hi. - Hi!
- I thought it was kind of... - A Chinese thing to do.
It's... yes a Chinese thing to do It's really cool, though.
It's got little baby oranges on it. Can't beat that. It makes you feel like a giant.
Here, put it somewhere.
Work still bizarre?
No!
It's a little freaky.
I'm not sure it's been such a good thing for me.
How are you?
Good, I guess. Relived
I had enough of turning a blind eye and convincing myself I wasn't culpable.
It got pretty exhausting.
Well, Brice does, kind of, operate in a moral free zone.
What? Like you're Mr. Inocent Guy?
- Meaning what? - Meaning...
"Even though I helped Brice launder Japanese gang money with my..."
"ticket scam, I still have the right to judge others?"
- Ryan, you're no better than anybody else. - Yes, but the...
It's true, Ryan. You're corrupt.
It's OK. It happens to everyone.
All right.
The ticket scam doesn't hurt anyone, though.
I don't even think it's illegal, you know. I could get fired for it, but
big woo, you know.
They would never go public with it, so...
Listen to yourself, Ryan. You sound like me when I first met him, five years ago.
Ryan...
Granny wants to know if you'd like some tea.
Oh, yes, please.
Thank you.
Would you like to go for a ride after the tea?
Maybe get something to eat or something.
I'll go ask her.
It's just, I was, kind of, asking if you wanted to go, with me.
Are you asking me on a date?
Well...
I'm not gonna date you, Ryan.
It'd be like going backwards.
I don't want backwards.
I want change.
I'm not a corrupt person.
I'm just trying to get by, kind of thing.
You should probably go.
I gotta move all this movie junk into the basement before granny disowns me.
Hi, it's mom.
So, our court date's on friday.
Now, don't judge us dear Your dad and I are all jazzed about it.
Almost like an adventure we never had.
It's funny how we find out what makes us happy.
Oh, did your father tell you he's cooking again?
Gotta run. The girl walker's just here. Your dad made pork chops
BC lottery bureau. Win line.
Yeah, hi. Is this the middle class greed line?
I'm looking for the winner of the Pick Six who'd like to earn some fucking green
in his spare time selling aloe products out of their garage.
Well, congratulations.
- 5 numbers? Well, then you've won... - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, Ryan,
I am waiting.
I'm out here, somewhere, and it's been a pretty terrible week.
So let's make this fast.
- Hello? - What, are you kidding me? Don't you fuck around with me right now!
- Hello?! - No, no no... I'm in no mood for fucking holding...
Well...
Just a heads up, I hope you got some kind of an acceptance speech planned, because
the award for exemplary employee is first up.
Keeping us proud, big guy. Keeping us proud.
All right.
Hello everybody.
Welcome to the twelfth annual boat cruise.
I'll be handing out the trophies for company achievements shortly.
Until then...
please, enjoy the dancing, enjoy the scallops.
We've got plenty of time. We're not going anywhere.
Hey.
Hi.
Freak thunderstorm?
A daring escape.
I think anything I said at this moment would most likely be wrong.
Well, at least you don't have to wonder if they're fake or not.
For the last few weeks,
I really thought I was Mr. Hot Shit.
Yeah, well, we all need to feel like hot shit at least once in our lives.
It's just that my once was dragging on for a few to many years.
I was getting tired of it.
Your hot shit threshold's a lot higher than mine. I've
never felt as bad in my life as I have these past few weeks.
When I left here yesterday...
I'm not gonna work for Brice anymore.
I'm finished. I’m through scamming.
Really?
You told him yet?
He's getting the idea.
Ming...
I don't want to go backwards either.
I don't want any of it. Not Brice, not Winners, not my brother's real restate schemes...
Well, what do you want?
He did not.
That cheesy sleazebag.
I know where he goes when he needs to figure things out.
Yeah, I think I know too.
Well, this, kind of, blows.
What the...
- Why'd you go slicing at me? - I didn't slice it...
I am throwing it.
Brice...
Fuck off, OK?
No! Giving you the names and addresses is sleazy. It turned me into a sleazebag
- and I'm not gonna do it anymore. - Are you dense or something?
Once you become a sleazebag, Ryan, you remain a sleazebag.
You don't just go and unsleazebag yourself because all of a sudden your conscience hurts you an itsy little bit.
- Are you stupid? - Brice...
- just give him his car back. - No, no. No, no, no.
You take the car. Here.
It'll start better.
I guess it wasn't fuel efficient enough for "I'm queer for kayaks" nature boy.
You know what?
Take this too.
This coat was made from cows who were kept in boarded pens
so that the barb wire wouldn't scuffle the texture.
You should take it, it's cursed.
Am I a loser on a game show, getting consolation prizes, huh? Are you serious?
You should really take it. Otherwise, it's just gonna sit there and rot.
Guys! Wait!
Guys! Stop!
This is ridiculous! Stop it
Stop it.!
Brice? Shit...
Brice? Stop! Look, look!
- Oh, shit. - What are they doing here?
Oh, shit. Ming...
They're here because I haven't been making good on my promises.
And now this number pin bill is the last straw. Now I'm left holding a bag full of dead cats.
What? I made that up. It means I'm left holding a sack full of shit and I'm screwed.
I just thought it sounded cool and chinese.
Oh, man...
- This is where I duck out. - I think so.
You have no idea where we're going, do you?
Does it matter?
What a beautiful day.
Really? I was gonna say hopeful.
Hope you enjoyed the movie and the subs!